#87. Fatherhood’s Frontline: Pete Ciotti on Navigating Life with Grit

Pete Ciotti: Everybody, thanks for tuning into the GRIT podcast. I really appreciate all the support and the love and the feedback, and, uh, we've been having a good time here just chatting about all things, all things perseverance, all things grit, all things life. And today's, uh, today's conversation is gonna be all those things and more. I have my good buddy Scott Hammond with me. How you doing, Scott?

Scott Hammond: Doing awesome. Thanks for having me, Pete.

Pete Ciotti: Yes, sir.

Scott Hammond: Appreciate you.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah, Scott and I both go to Catalyst Church, awesome church in Arcata, but the month of July, it is gonna be outdoors in Perigo Park. Um, we kinda had to pivot that this Sunday because there was something else in Perigo. It's got double-booked.

Scott Hammond: That was good, though. We were like-

Pete Ciotti: So we're, we're in the outfield of the softball field having church.

Scott Hammond: Church outside, man. Way to be.

Scott Hammond: I love it.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: I call it Woodstock.

Pete Ciotti: Right, yeah.

Scott Hammond: Yeah, it's cool.

Pete Ciotti: Kind of felt it had a vibe like that.

Scott Hammond: That's fun.

Pete Ciotti: Um, but yeah, man, we've, we've had a lot of conversation over the last year. Um, and particularly, um, you gifted me this awesome book called Everyday Dad that you are the author of.

Scott Hammond: Oh, you have a copy of that.

Pete Ciotti: I have a copy.

Scott Hammond: That's a pretty good book.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah. Really good book. Um-

Scott Hammond: Writer's kinda sketchy. The book's pretty good.

Pete Ciotti: And, uh, you know, just, like, that's where I wanna go today, just talking about fatherhood. It's just such a… I mean, you talk about grit.

Scott Hammond: Mm.

Pete Ciotti: Uh, and that's what this podcast is about.

Pete Ciotti: Um, I don't think it gets any grittier than being in the trenches as a parent, um, with all the things you go through with your kids, and you are a father of nine.

Scott Hammond: Nine.

Pete Ciotti: You and Joni.

Scott Hammond: Just Joni and I.

Pete Ciotti: Wow.

Scott Hammond: Everybody goes, "Are they all yours?" I go-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … "Yeah."

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: Pretty sure.

Pete Ciotti: That's amazing. Um, so I, you know, look, I, I've been skimming through the book that you gave me a few months back, you know, because you gave it to me as a gift because I just had my fourth child.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm. Con- congrats.

Pete Ciotti: Yes. Awesome. We're loving every day.

Pete Ciotti: And, um-

Scott Hammond: Beautiful baby.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah. And so I, you know, I have one, a, a child who just graduated high school who's about to be turn 18, and then a 14-year-old and a, uh, those are my two boys, and an 11-year-old daughter, and now a five-month-old baby, so kind of a reset for us.

Scott Hammond: Nice.

Pete Ciotti: Um, but we're stoked and we're really happy with that. And, um, so I've been, I've been reading through the book, and I kinda highlighted a couple things, and I wanted to just, like, ask you some questions about it.

Scott Hammond: Sure.

Pete Ciotti: So it just, this book is really cool. Like, really lays out a l- a really good plan. Uh, I can tell it's very, it's very plan oriented. Um, you know, and, and sometimes when, in fatherhood, a lot of stuff happens while we're busy making plans.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: Uh,

Scott Hammond: On the fly.

Pete Ciotti: We get thrown curve balls all the time with kids.

Pete Ciotti: And, uh-

Scott Hammond: Oh, yeah

Pete Ciotti: … so adapting to that is just… You know, what, what, what, what would you say to those new fathers out there that are just kinda trying to figure it out? Like, where do you start? Where do you start? You wanna be the best dad you can be, but man, it's, it can be really

Pete Ciotti: challenging.

Scott Hammond: You gotta know, I think the answer to that is you gotta know who you are-

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm

Scott Hammond: … and what you want. So if you could answer the questions, who are you and what do you want, the answers are that easy. You know?

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: The questions are the hard part.

Pete Ciotti: Right.

Scott Hammond: You know, if you gotta, um, struggle with, "Hey, I don't, I don't really care about my kids or my family," then l- I guess own that i- if that's your value system. But I, I wanna start… I'll answer that question. I wanna start with how I, how I got to the book.

Pete Ciotti: Please.

Scott Hammond: I started blogging, called Become a Better Father, and I had all these, like 400 blog, uh, entries that were, some of which are better than others. And then somebody at BNI, at our network business group said, "Hey, uh, I can help you, uh, pull that up, pull that down, and maybe we could organize it into a book. What do you th-"

Pete Ciotti: Wow.

Scott Hammond: "What do you say?"

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And I go, "Well, um, they tell me in the speaking business that your book is your business card, so why wouldn't I do that?" So hey, I'm gonna become the dad speaker, and little did I know that we're remote Humboldt County-

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm

Scott Hammond: … California, up on the coast in the Redwood Curtain, and it's hard as heck to get out of here and go speak in, uh-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … Tuscaloosa-

Pete Ciotti: Oh, yeah

Scott Hammond: … or Nashua.

Pete Ciotti: And you did.

Scott Hammond: And I didn't.

Pete Ciotti: You didn't.

Scott Hammond: 'Cause my kids would rot on the vomit strip.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah, yeah.

Scott Hammond: So, so it was, it was a, um, it was a mel- it was a, it was a miscalculation to go-

Pete Ciotti: Mm

Scott Hammond: … "Oh, let me see. Oh, that, that dog don't hunt," because I'd have to be away from home, away and giving all that responsibility-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … to my wife, which is-

Pete Ciotti: Right

Scott Hammond: … she would do great with, but I'm not, I'm not… It'd be disingenuous. It's, it wouldn't al- it's not alignment in goals.

Pete Ciotti: Sure.

Scott Hammond: So, um, I went other paths and took other passions, but this stuff's always close to my heart, and I, I wrote this base- based on a lot of the stuff you've read and, and have background in b- business

Scott Hammond: practice-

Pete Ciotti: Sure

Scott Hammond: … which breaks down at home, by the way, that you're not-

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm

Scott Hammond: … you're not the boss at home.

Pete Ciotti: No.

Scott Hammond: You're not the boss at… You, honey, you can't ma- you know, try to manage your

Scott Hammond: wife-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … like you manage your employee.

Pete Ciotti: Not gonna work.

Scott Hammond: Mm, that, that's a bad, bad

Scott Hammond: start, so.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: Um, what I would I tell a young dad? I'd… Intentionality. Go, go away and go figure out who you are and what you wanna be, and if you have a vision for that, then we, you can set up a plan. And it, I think all plans are based on schedules.

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm.

Scott Hammond: You know? Um, show me your schedule or your checkbook, and I'll show you where your value system, your priorities.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah, totally.

Scott Hammond: You know that. It's like, what are you spending your money on? What are you spending your time on?

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm.

Scott Hammond: And your treasure.

Scott Hammond: And I think the hard connection is what if I don't care that much-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … about my family or my wife or my kids?

Pete Ciotti: Hmm. Yeah.

Scott Hammond: You know, who, who am I? Then I think you have an existential different

Scott Hammond: problem.

Pete Ciotti: Right.

Scott Hammond: And so we could talk about that, too. But that's, I, I would say just intentionality. Know, know who you are and, and do an inventory of, of, um, what's, what's important in life.

Pete Ciotti: You know what? I see a lot of dads, too, uh, I'm kind of in t- the in between. Like, I, I'm n- I'm not a rookie dad. Uh, been a dad for almost 20 years. But, um- But I'm also always humbled to learning new ideas, and I don't think I have it all figured out. But one thing, um, just to touch on what you just said, is, like, taking that time, that personal time, and s- and carving it out of a schedule-

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm

Pete Ciotti: … to be better so that you can be better-

Scott Hammond: Ah

Pete Ciotti: … for your family is so important. I've talked about that many times on the podcast that-

Scott Hammond: Yeah

Pete Ciotti: … some people will view that as a selfish act.

Scott Hammond: Mm-mm.

Pete Ciotti: I, I think it's completely opposite. I think it's so important that you carve out some personal time to get your mind right, maybe to get your body right, to be healthy-

Scott Hammond: Sure

Pete Ciotti: … so that you can come back and give your kids all the energy that they deserve.

Scott Hammond: Right.

Pete Ciotti: Because all the kids really want from you is your time. They just want your presence in that moment. Um, I heard it said that, you know, kids from the age zero to four, that's the most crucial time in their life-

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm

Pete Ciotti: … to be involved in their life. And so when I had my first kid, Peter, um, he's the fifth, I'm the fourth, my dad's the third. So when, uh, when Peter was born,

Pete Ciotti: um, we had just started, I had just started a new business-

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm

Pete Ciotti: … um, that demanded 60-plus hours a week of my

Pete Ciotti: time-

Scott Hammond: Wow

Pete Ciotti: … just to keep it going. Um, you know, and I was a young dad. I was 29, 30, um, with a young wife who was 22. We were just trying to figure it out. We were renting a small, uh, house and,

Pete Ciotti: um-

Scott Hammond: All the stuff

Pete Ciotti: I will remember, though, when he came into the world, that I, I, I– it was a pivotable moment, of course, like it is for all dads. When he was born, I almost passed out

Scott Hammond: Ah

Pete Ciotti: From, just from the, like… Anxiety's probably not the best way to describe it, but just the, like, maybe a little bit of fear of the unknown. Like, what's gonna come up next? Now I'm responsible for this human being.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: Like, it's no more just I was living my life for me and maybe my s- my, my wife. But other than that, it was like, you know, I wasn't really living for anyone else. I wasn't really… Now it's, going forward, it's gonna be all about my contribution to my kids and, and giving myself to my kids.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: And wh- what I r- You know, they say stuff like, "Would you die for your kids?" Yeah, I would absolutely die for my kids. Would you get healthy for your kids? Would you work hard for your kids? Would you grind it out for your kids?

Scott Hammond: Ah.

Pete Ciotti: Would you give them your time and patience? And so what I learned is just, like, being able to carve out that time so I could be better-

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm

Pete Ciotti: … so I could be f- more focus-driven, so I could keep my

Pete Ciotti: energy-

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm

Pete Ciotti: … at a high level all throughout the day was super important, so I carved that time out while they slept.

Scott Hammond: Pre-

Pete Ciotti: 5:00 a.m.-

Scott Hammond: Pretty smart

Pete Ciotti: … go do my thing, you know, and, like-

Scott Hammond: Start early

Pete Ciotti: … come back, yeah.

Scott Hammond: Yeah.

Pete Ciotti: And just, like, feel great, like I did today. I got up at 5:00, ran, worked out, did my thing, did a bunch of errands, had a meeting, come here, do the podcast with you, and then I'll go home. Uh, this is my Monday. Go home at noon and just spend my time with the baby and give my wife a break, you know, which I think is-

Scott Hammond: Cool

Pete Ciotti: … crucial, too, in a marriage.

Scott Hammond: Check a lot of boxes.

Pete Ciotti: But, man, we gotta get better for them, you know?

Scott Hammond: Yeah. I got a couple thoughts on that.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah, please.

Scott Hammond: Um, going back to your t-ti- uh, love is spelled T-I-M-E. Um, that's a good one. But I'd say focus time.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: You know? Um, but sometime better than no time. We used to take our kids to the recycling and go to Grocery Outlet and-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … I'd just include them in my world-

Pete Ciotti: Absolutely

Scott Hammond: … as, as opposed to I wasn't the greatest Lego dad in the world, and, you know, ADD, I gotta sit down and focus. And, you know, I, I would read and, but there was other things where I included them in our, our, our Sunday morning date. We'd go to Los Bagels-

Pete Ciotti: Mm

Scott Hammond: … in Arcata.

Pete Ciotti: Okay.

Scott Hammond: Get a bagel. And I'd take two kids out of 17 kids- … and I'd grab two, and we'd go have a bagel, and it was great. And so that was intentionality that was in a schedule. If it's not on a calendar, bro, it don't ex- it don't exist. It's, it's not even real.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And so, um, the other thought you struck with me is that what I would tell a young

Scott Hammond: dad is that you're, you're so s- so tracking right. Find, find that which gives you life, whether it's running or swimming or yoga or s- or something. G- you know, golf's kinda tough because that's a big time eater. So you gotta be realistic and get yourself healed, get yourself whole, so you can be there for other people, and then do it with intentionality.

Scott Hammond: However, um, it all works against you 'cause especially now, you're grinding.

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm.

Scott Hammond: You have to grind every day to feed, to feed the beast, to feed mouths, to feed the money beast-

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm

Scott Hammond: … bank, and to pay bills. And so there's that piece, and then there's, um, uh, you know, home and all, uh, taking care… I mean, there's a lot of priorities here that could quickly add to a, a burnout state, which is, uh, I, I'm, I know that state really. I know the capital of that state.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: I've been there.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: Got, I have the T-shirt.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And so there's a lot of, um, work that one needs to do to maybe, I wanna say compromise 'cause it, it's a good enough word, and that is you're not gonna go out and be perfect marathoner, perfect dad-

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm

Scott Hammond: … perfectly rich 'cause you're so brilliant in business. But you work with what you got.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And I think it's okay. I just read that. You, sometimes you just start with what you have, bro.

Pete Ciotti: Do you think, um, because I know you wrote this book, you know, 14 years ago. Here we are in 2025, and I, I see a lot of, uh, dads, entrepreneurial dads too, um, in business that have been talking of, like, do you think that it's possible that this whole system is rigged against us from the beginning? And that, you know, like, we were always ingrained that we have to work a 40-hour a week job. We have to spend our time, our boss is our priority a- and our job is our priority, and then, then our family's tied with that. But it's like-

Scott Hammond: Hmm

Pete Ciotti: … you know, one and 1A, and then, you know, like, on down, and then our ti- and then the furthest thing down from the road is our time to ourselves to get better and to do these things, right? And so, like, people have, that's kind of, like, the model that they work with and the schedule they work with. So it's like- Sometimes, k- uh, time, patience is hard to find, and that time-

Scott Hammond: Mm

Pete Ciotti: … in the moment is hard to find because obviously if you're working a 40-hour-a-week job, uh, you know, grinding away like you were told to do, that's the American dream or whatever, and you're paying a really high mortgage, and you've got all these bills stacked up against you, and y- are you really gaining anything? Are you really building anything there?

Scott Hammond: Mm.

Pete Ciotti: There's a lot of questions to be, uh, asked about that. But eventually you kinda look at it and go, "Is this system rigged from the

Pete Ciotti: beginning?"

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: And t- so that as a dad, I'm not able to spend that zero to four years old time, you know, like really be in it and spend time and, and-

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm

Pete Ciotti: … build something with my child because I have to work so hard just to afford to take care of my child. And it's, it's like I see a lot of dads that are just having to grind out these jobs, work for peanuts, um, you know, just so they can provide healthcare and so they can provide, put food on the table, and it's paycheck to paycheck a lot of the time-

Scott Hammond: Sure

Pete Ciotti: … especially in areas like Humboldt.

Scott Hammond: Sure.

Pete Ciotti: And, uh, where do they find the time to, to, to s- sit and do Legos?

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: And also, as your kids get older and they get tech devices like phones, iPads-

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm

Pete Ciotti: … that's what raises them, or someone else raises them in childcare. It's not you, and now you're trying to pull them out of that sort of like system, you know? And that's a, that's a challenge-

Scott Hammond: That's a, yeah

Pete Ciotti: … that a lot of dads didn't face in the '80s, '90s, whatever. Now they're like fighting for the attention of the screens and this, and so it's a challenging time for a lot of dads and, um, moms too, but we're, we're focused on fatherhood today, and it's just like-

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm

Pete Ciotti: … really tough to put value, to put your values into the kids and really teach them something. Um, that's the real struggle, and I've just found that maybe it's possible this system is rigged against us from the beginning, and we have to kinda be… They take that entrepreneurial spirit and that spirit of authenticity and create, and being creative and find new ways to, um, build wealth while also, um, you know, spending that important time with our

Pete Ciotti: children-

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm

Pete Ciotti: … every day and being present, you know?

Scott Hammond: Yeah. I think it's a yes and 'cause I think you, you can do both.

Pete Ciotti: Okay.

Scott Hammond: Is it rigged? Sure. Uh, but no. Y- yes and no. It's, uh, it's tougher, uh, but if you have grit like you're talking about-

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm

Scott Hammond: … um, hey, bring on the challenge. Let's figure it out.

Pete Ciotti: Right.

Scott Hammond: And I think, okay, so screens are a problem, but the, I could also leverage the screen to go, "Hey buddy, what are you doing today?"

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: "Oh, it's me, Dad."

Pete Ciotti: Exactly. Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And connect, like all the time.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And I, I'll overdo it. I don't c- I don't care. I missed a connection because, uh, if that's the game we're playing, then let's utilize the tools. So there's that. I, I think it comes back to, I want to get a better word than compromise, but it's like I don't think I need to be rich in money. Could've had nine homes, chose nine kids.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: Sometimes I wonder about my choices, but not really. I, I know, I know who I am and know, uh, what I want, and, and now I'm seeing the glorious piece of having

Scott Hammond: adult children, adult, uh, um, offspring

Scott Hammond: friends-

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm

Scott Hammond: … that are amazing.

Pete Ciotti: Oh, cool.

Scott Hammond: You know? We're gonna have a beer in Belgium in, in a couple weeks.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: It's gonna be amazing.

Pete Ciotti: Right.

Scott Hammond: Justin, "Hey, what's up?"

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: We're gonna have a great time. And, and so, um, that connection with these people and then their kids, and so what I… It's, it's fail to thrive in terms of seeing the big

Scott Hammond: picture. You know, your baby is gonna be asking for the car keys within a few short y- years that are gonna seem like months, right?

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: 'Cause you've already seen it with Pete.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: The 5th? The 5th?

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: Peter V.

Pete Ciotti: The 5th, yeah.

Scott Hammond: And so you know how time goes by, and, and it's like-

Pete Ciotti: It's so fast

Scott Hammond: … I don't know how to con… You know, my dad tried to communicate that.

Scott Hammond: "Scott," you know, it's like, it's like, "It's gonna be Christmas." And I, he, he goes, "I'm, I'm 75. I'm gonna be 85 within a couple days." It's like,

Scott Hammond: it's like-

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm

Scott Hammond: … that, that kind of timeframe. And so I think when you make those choices, it's like, so am I gonna become the workaholic dad of the '50s and '60s like my parents-

Pete Ciotti: Right, right

Scott Hammond: … and grandparents were?

Pete Ciotti: That's what I mean, yeah.

Scott Hammond: And how did that work? 'Cause I, I wound up on the street as a feral hippie child in San Diego partying-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … at 12, 11, 12 years old.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: So I didn't… I mean, I got blessed 'cause God pulled me out of that and changed my life-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … and met Jesus, met Joni, met sobriety.

Pete Ciotti: That's when you came in the picture.

Scott Hammond: Yeah, and met a degree at Humboldt, so I was able to escape that world.

Scott Hammond: But, um, back to what you're asking and inf- inferring, and that is can I compromise a little and maybe be smarter at work, be smarter with the smart devices, and make connection and double up and be in, in, in leverage efficiencies? That's what I'm trying to get at.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah. Yeah.

Scott Hammond: So, "Hey, hey, Dad's going to the store.

Scott Hammond: Can I go?"

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: "No, I gotta go alone." Well-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah, yeah

Scott Hammond: … no, you don't.

Pete Ciotti: Yep.

Scott Hammond: Everybody get in. We're gonna give Mom a break.

Pete Ciotti: I think that's so cool you say that 'cause that's literally how I've been, like approaching it over the last few weeks, um, especially with my adult, my, I call him my adult son. He's basically about to be an adult.

Pete Ciotti: Um, I just… You say compromise was… I, I look at it like, uh, meeting them where they're at. A lot of times I have to meet my kids where they're at.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: If they're in a place, you know, they, then I, okay, I'll go there. And, and it might be uncomfortable for me. It might be something I really enjoy or I really like. It might not be as-

Scott Hammond: Sure

Pete Ciotti: … comfortable for me, but I'll go there and reach that uncomfortableness just so I can make the connection. And like I, my son is… This is an example. My older son has been really into golf lately. He's been golfing like every day.

Scott Hammond: Cool.

Pete Ciotti: He'll go, he'll go to Beau Pre every day at 4:00-

Scott Hammond: Sweet

Pete Ciotti: … and golf, golf, golf, golf. So we had a s- I got a set of clubs laying around. I used to golf when I was younger a lot, and, uh, but I hadn't golfed in a long time, and I had a set of clubs sitting around in the garage somewhere. I hauled them out, gave them to him. And he even takes his friends who don't have clubs, and they just all play on one

Pete Ciotti: set.

Scott Hammond: Nice.

Pete Ciotti: But he's been asking me to go with him and go with him. "I'm getting good, Dad. I wanna go." I'm like, "Yeah, okay, cool." I mean-

Scott Hammond: Yeah

Pete Ciotti: … how am I gonna say no to that? Like, I just scratch out the time and go with him.

Pete Ciotti: And-

Scott Hammond: Yeah

Pete Ciotti: … this last time I played with him, and, and he's gonna see this and be like, "Don't talk about it," but, um-

Scott Hammond: Come on, Dad

Pete Ciotti: … the last time I played with him, it was cool. He might not even recognize this, but we, we sat, we… This was just this weekend. We played golf, and we just talked like we were two adults, and it was the… I think it was the first time ever that-

Scott Hammond: Wait

Pete Ciotti: … we had just sat there in the present moment with each other and played around, or did what we were doing, played a round of golf, and just talked about what's going on in your life and how-

Scott Hammond: Wow

Pete Ciotti: … and I just listened, and I got a lot out of it 'cause he really opened up, and he doesn't open up a lot. And it was really cool to hear him open up about his future. Like, "I'm, I can't wait to go to CR, to college. I can't wait to work on my fire degree.

Pete Ciotti: Uh,"

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: "I got my f- these new friends that are also gonna do that." Uh-

Scott Hammond: Beautiful

Pete Ciotti: … you know, "I can't wait to go to Japan." He's… We're going to Japan in November, and he's, like, super excited, and he's telling

Pete Ciotti: me-

Scott Hammond: Sweet

Pete Ciotti: … all about it, and I'm like, I'm like, "I'm just there for the ride. You tell me where we're going, bud."

Scott Hammond: Yeah.

Pete Ciotti: And he's, like, doing all this research. We're going… So I can tell he's, like, really getting excited about his, his, what's gonna be his freedom and his independence-

Scott Hammond: Right

Pete Ciotti: … you know, from us eventually, and I'm also kind of bittersweet 'cause it's, it is, it's coming up. It's like I heard it said, like, "What's the best thing about having kids? Watching them grow up. What's the worst thing about having kids? Watching them grow up."

Scott Hammond: Mm.

Pete Ciotti: That hits hard. You know what I mean?

Scott Hammond: Yeah. That first-

Pete Ciotti: 'Cause it's so fast. Like you said, it's so fast.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: And I just wanna make sure that I'm, I'm a ripple in the wave for them, and I'm-

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm

Pete Ciotti: … I'm, I'm… I don't wanna influence them. I don't wanna control how they're gonna live. I don't wanna set them up for, like, all these scary things. I don't wanna do that anymore. I don't wanna… I just want them to know that, like, you know, we're here.

Scott Hammond: Beautiful.

Pete Ciotti: We're supportive.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: You know? I would really love it if they would come around to faith a little bit more, but I, I keep trying, you know. I'm like, "Hey, we're going to church today."

Scott Hammond: Just model it, man.

Pete Ciotti: A lot of dads will just say, "Oh, they said no, like, a couple times, so I'm not gonna ask anymore," but I ask every Sunday-

Scott Hammond: Good

Pete Ciotti: … and hope that maybe one of these Sundays they'll, they'll come through, you

Pete Ciotti: know?

Scott Hammond: The twos? Yeah.

Pete Ciotti: But, like, my daughter comes all the time, but yeah, just having faith. So I, so anyway, I wanted to get into the book 'cause I highlighted a few things that I really thought were cool.

Scott Hammond: Before, before you do, I have two thoughts.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah. Go for it.

Scott Hammond: Number one is, um, what you're saying is really beautiful. You caught, you caught the moment with, with, with Pete. The moment, the magic moment is when they come and they're ready to, to share their heart, their thoughts, their dreams, their hopes. The, uh, tough part and the challenge part for us, and the grit part, is I used to get that at, like, 10:30 at night. My son would roll in, and I'm, I'm like all burnt out and ready

Scott Hammond: for bed.

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm.

Scott Hammond: And he's going, "Hey, Dad," and, or, "Hey." You know, he gets mad if something's, something's up. So you gotta really look for those moments and show up and then do what I'm gonna call the magic, and that is what you just talked about. You listened. You empathized. Uh-huh. You didn't try to fix. This was just a connection point. "Well, how does that feel going to CR, College of the Redwoods? Gonna be cool, huh? What, how do you feel about that?"

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And, and to learn that skill set of affirming and empathizing and really showing up and being in there and go, "You know, how do I support and help you in that, Peter? What can I do?" And it's funny, um… It's not funny. It's sad. At 65, I'm just learning that stuff.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: You know, and a friend in a Bible study in Zoom s- uh, Friday said, "Why, God, why didn't I get all this stuff when I was younger and I had kids?"

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm.

Scott Hammond: "And I could-"

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And it's like, okay, well, maybe that's a good question. That's not the right question. The question is what are you gonna do with it today in practice where you can-

Pete Ciotti: That's it

Scott Hammond: … sit with somebody and let them cry and not fix them and not… You know, Joni, my wife, goes, "Don't fix me, man. Just listen to me."

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: "Come on." She'll go, "Come on, man."

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And I go, "Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. You're right." How, how do I support? How do I help?

Pete Ciotti: Right. And empathy is so important.

Scott Hammond: And it must suck really feeling that. What, what can we do-

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm

Scott Hammond: … together? Is there anything I can do?

Scott Hammond: And so, um, I really like that. It's, it… That's the magic moments-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … that we play for.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And you think, "Hey, there's gonna be daily, every time I go to Bagels, we're gonna get a deep conversation." Nope. Nope. When they're ready.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And that's when we gotta be showing up.

Pete Ciotti: And, and, and we have to be sharp for that because if we're tired or we're, like, stressed out or we're holding onto so much stress, then when that moment comes, well, it'll fleet. It'll be fleeting, and you won't recognize it. "I'm too tired to go play golf, Pete, today."

Scott Hammond: Yeah.

Pete Ciotti: That's such a b- BS response.

Scott Hammond: Yeah.

Pete Ciotti: My wife hit, hit me with that. She's like, "What are you talking about you're too tired? Go play golf with him." "Okay. Cool, honey. See ya."

Scott Hammond: Good.

Pete Ciotti: You know? Like, but it's like-

Scott Hammond: Good

Pete Ciotti: … yeah, don't be too tired. Don't ever… That's a, that's a BS excuse, and I won't use it anymore. I don't… I… Even if I am literally tired, I'm like, no. Like, I'm gonna have time to play catch with my kid. I'm gonna have time to play dress-up with my daughter or whatever she wants to do.

Scott Hammond: Mm.

Pete Ciotti: I'm gonna have time for that.

Scott Hammond: I love it.

Pete Ciotti: And it's not gonna be weird. We're just gonna do it, and it's gonna be, it's gonna be great. And, you know-

Scott Hammond: And like Joni says, whenever you go for that run or that hike-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … or that golf or that church-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … you show up. It turns out it was not that ba-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … it was great. What would you have missed? And you felt okay.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: It was a good run. You didn't wanna run, but you went for it.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah. It's like living mindfulness is what I call it. Like, it's like active mindfulness.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: It's like just im- implementing simple mindfulness into your every day, you know, and just taking a pause. Sometimes you have to literally pause before you respond to things because sometimes our, our first response-

Scott Hammond: Mm

Pete Ciotti: … is not the best response.

Scott Hammond: True. True.

Pete Ciotti: Um, because we're holding on to maybe some stress or in the moment we're, or we're

Pete Ciotti: emotional.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: And when you can finally put in that work on yourself and regulate those emotions and regulate that, those kinds of reactions-

Scott Hammond: Sleep on it, pray on it.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah. I just don't get, find myself-

Scott Hammond: Mm

Pete Ciotti: … getting too worked up these days 'cause it takes so much to work my motor up and get mad at something, and then I forget what I was even mad at, and I'm like, "Really? That was all worth getting my heart rate going and all this stuff?" And

Pete Ciotti: it's not.

Scott Hammond: It's not, no.

Pete Ciotti: So, um, okay. So I wanted to dive into this couple things I, I was reading in the book 'cause I'm about, I'm about Almost halfway through the book

Pete Ciotti: right now.

Scott Hammond: Wow.

Pete Ciotti: Some stuff has stuck out. This is, this one, and you'll have to remember if you

Pete Ciotti: haven't gone over the book in a minute with anyone, but uh-

Scott Hammond: Go for it

Pete Ciotti: … there's, there's a part here that says, um, "How can we make hardship and difficulty blessings in disguise?"

Scott Hammond: Mm.

Pete Ciotti: Good stuff, right? Um, what do we do to create a turning point in our attitude and with new eyes see how hardship can truly be a good thing for our lives?

Scott Hammond: Wow.

Pete Ciotti: Can you leverage your problems into life opportunities? And so you have a list of things here, and I wanted to say that, like, what, what we talk about on this podcast all the time is grit-

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm

Pete Ciotti: … and doing hard things. And there's never gonna be a perfect fatherhood. There's never gonna be a perfect dad. There's never gonna be a perfect, uh, parent. You know, like, we're imperfect humans.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: Naturally, that's how God has made us, and-

Scott Hammond: Sure

Pete Ciotti: … and we're gonna go through some really difficult, hard stuff, and we're not gonna have the answers.

Scott Hammond: It's gonna be heartbreaking.

Pete Ciotti: But, but you lay this out, and I think this is beautiful. It starts with the following: courage.

Scott Hammond: Hmm.

Pete Ciotti: I love that. We need courage, courageousness, boldness, and fearlessness in our approach to life. I just listened to a podcast by the great Ed Mylett, who I love, and he talked about being an encourager and what that meant.

Scott Hammond: Hmm.

Pete Ciotti: And what I really lo- dug about it, and it's just so simple, but it's like to be an encourager is actually to put courage into somebody.

Scott Hammond: Hmm.

Pete Ciotti: That's what it is. And so it's, it's… We as parents often will discourage a- and we're, maybe we're doing it to, for security. Uh, we're trying to keep people safe. There's a fear, you know, that some-

Scott Hammond: Hmm

Pete Ciotti: … things can happen. So we s- we oftentimes, even when they're really little, we'll just discourage them in the s- subtlest of ways just to be like, "Don't do that. Uh, don't do that." But-

Scott Hammond: Yeah

Pete Ciotti: … but we almost yell it, and we get kind of stressed out about it. Instead, it's like, don't… I always, my, uh, psychology teacher in college 30 years ago said something, like, to the effect of, like, "Don't give a no-no without a do-do."

Scott Hammond: Wow.

Pete Ciotti: And what he meant was like, don't tell your kids, "No, no, don't do that," without giving them something else to do-

Scott Hammond: Hmm

Pete Ciotti: … a redirection.

Scott Hammond: That's good.

Pete Ciotti: And it's so important and, like-

Scott Hammond: Or maybe a why.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah, or a why. And so when it gets down to the why and, and the encouragement level, it's like I said this before, speak life into your kids.

Scott Hammond: Hmm.

Pete Ciotti: Speak life into them every single day.

Scott Hammond: Oof.

Pete Ciotti: Right? You, you, you just, you know, encourage the kids. And, you know, we, we, a lot of… I see a lot of people talk about today, "Oh, these kids today, they're growing up on iPads, and they're, they think the world should be handed to them at 20 years old." And, and they complain, "Oh, they, I had to work so hard for everything I got." And there's some truth to all that. That's great. But, like, what are you doing to encourage the youth-

Scott Hammond: Right

Pete Ciotti: … to do anything? What, what world are they walking into?

Scott Hammond: Hmm.

Pete Ciotti: Because what a lot of them see is a world of discouragement, of, like, fear of failure, of like, oh man, you're gonna look silly. You're gonna be embarrassed. You're gonna be shamed. All this guilt, all this stress that these older folks are carrying-

Scott Hammond: Hmm

Pete Ciotti: … and what, and can't let go of. It, it could be trauma. It could be all these things.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: And they're just throwing it on their kids, or throwing it on the youth.

Scott Hammond: Hmm.

Pete Ciotti: And you know, these people are like, "Where's this American dream you spoke of in the '60s? Where's all these things? I, uh," you know? You, you, "I'm ready to go to work. I'm ready to grind. I'm ready to work hard on something I am passionate about," which you also lay out in the book. You kind of level out passion and all those things. So I just wanna go through the courage thing. So courage, we need courageousness, boldness, and fearlessness in the approach to life. Positive attitude, huge. We need to receive life's lessons with an attitude of love,

Pete Ciotti: humility.

Scott Hammond: Hmm.

Pete Ciotti: A lot of humility is lost sometimes. People just think they know it all, right?

Scott Hammond: Yeah.

Pete Ciotti: And meekness, knowing that we are loved, so important to know that we're worthy and we're loved.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: Remember that what comes our way, provided we respond correctly, can be a blessing in disguise no matter how difficult.

Scott Hammond: Ooh, I wrote that.

Pete Ciotti: You wrote that. That was really good.

Scott Hammond: So I wanna comment on a couple things-

Pete Ciotti: Please

Scott Hammond: … real quick. You triggered all these thoughts.

Scott Hammond: One is, um, the power of your words when spoken with authenticity have the power to change people-

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm

Scott Hammond: … and to change you, in fact, 'cause your confession, we a- oops, we, we all know that our confession is the stuff we speak is, is, is power. It's, it's, it's life or death. So I'm gonna tell you what not to speak. "Son, you're a real disappointment."

Pete Ciotti: Right.

Scott Hammond: Oh, shit. You're gonna say that to your kid?

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: 'Cause that's gonna sit there and burn him for the rest of his life.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah, you're different.

Scott Hammond: Not, "Hey, this was disappointing, this situation." That's different. Uh, or, "Hey, hey, l- hey, girl, you look pretty fat in that dress." Now, what's wrong with you, Pappy?

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: What are you sp- You're crazy, man. What are you talking crazy like that for to your kids? Stop doing that immediately-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah. Yes

Scott Hammond: … and start … No, but here comes the do.

Pete Ciotti: Right.

Scott Hammond: And start being a man of encouragement.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And speak life and go, "Hey, you know what? You're doing great, man. I lo- I love your attitude. I love where you're going with this." And, and, and just be willing to be encouraging-

Pete Ciotti: And you think to get there-

Scott Hammond: … and to be equipping

Pete Ciotti: … they've got to drop whatever they're holding onto. 'Cause a lot of those words that they're saying, like that negative stuff they're

Pete Ciotti: talking-

Scott Hammond: Oh my gosh

Pete Ciotti: … it's because they're holding onto shit-

Scott Hammond: It's death

Pete Ciotti: … for so long, and they're… And we talked about this on your podcast last time you interviewed me.

Pete Ciotti: It's like people just don't forgive the trauma. They don't work through it.

Scott Hammond: Hmm.

Pete Ciotti: And energy is blocked for, forever, for so long. They're just holding on and holding on.

Scott Hammond: Wow.

Pete Ciotti: And once they kind of, like, do that work and release, um-

Scott Hammond: It's work

Pete Ciotti: … that trauma-

Scott Hammond: Work

Pete Ciotti: … they open up, and then they can be encouragers, you know? But, like, yeah, it's so hard to have-

Scott Hammond: It's forgiveness, man.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And, and we know where… I, I'm not a good forgiver, but I know where to get… I know the guy that invented forgiveness.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And-

Pete Ciotti: Right

Scott Hammond: … and if I'm spending time there in, in that head space, y- you know… So let, let's go here, f- faith piece.

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm.

Scott Hammond: And we'll start with, hey, fatherhood's, uh, not a solo sport. You got a lot of support.

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm.

Scott Hammond: It's not, "Hey, it's me against the world. I'm gonna fight for my kids, and have a job, and have an amazing marriage, and be that guy." Well, super dad, guess what? You ain't… It ain't, that ain't real. That's like, that's like women wanting to be young in their 80s and, and having their whole thing be about beauty.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: External beauty.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: That's the lie, and the lie-

Pete Ciotti: That's the lie

Scott Hammond: … is that you're super Dad, and you're gonna be ama- Well, we all know that you're not amazing, and you're, and you're broken. And, and when you can get in touch with that brokenness, that trauma that you're talking about, and work through that, and get into a, a conduit of connection with the Almighty and with other people,

Scott Hammond: other dads-

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm

Scott Hammond: … with your wife, with your support group, with your, uh, community, with your parents maybe. There's… Maybe you need to heal with your parents-

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm

Scott Hammond: … so you can be a better parent.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: Um, have we brought that one up? You know, why don't you call your old man today?

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: Why don't you tell him you're sorry for your part? You know, uh, pick up the damn phone. You're an adult, grown-ass man.

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm.

Scott Hammond: Go make this stuff right, bro.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: 'Cause that's your blockage. That's your constipation.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: That's what's effing you up because-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … you, you ge- you know, messed up my life. I'm gonna mess up generations-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … if I don't deal with this.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah, we gotta stop that generational curse that exists. I talk about this a lot.

Scott Hammond: Mm.

Pete Ciotti: It's like I think a lot of-

Scott Hammond: Sad

Pete Ciotti: … you know… I'm, I'm a code breaker. I know that. I know that, one, I'm an empath, that I feel empathy. I feel people when they're going through stuff. I just feel it on a-

Scott Hammond: You feel it

Pete Ciotti: … on a real level. Like, I can-

Scott Hammond: Yeah

Pete Ciotti: … feel it in my heart.

Scott Hammond: Sure.

Pete Ciotti: It kind of affects me a lot, a lot. I'm real sensitive.

Scott Hammond: That's how you're wired.

Pete Ciotti: And I fi- finally recognized that this much later in my life. I didn't, I didn't know what that was when I was in my

Pete Ciotti: 20s and 30s.

Scott Hammond: That's cool. Yeah.

Pete Ciotti: Like, why do I feel so sensitive to someone else's pain? But I realized that that's, there's a thing f- called em- being an empath. When I learned that-

Scott Hammond: Two-edged sword, right?

Pete Ciotti: Yeah. Oh, yeah, it is.

Scott Hammond: Cuts both ways.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah, you… It can be a superpower, and it can be ver- a very difficult thing to deal with. Um, but I started recognizing that, and then I just started recognizing, like, um, I'm a code breaker, that I think my

Pete Ciotti: purpose by, given to me by, by God, really, when I t- when I tapped into my faith, and I really work on my faith. We've talked about the five Fs, and I work on my faith every day.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: I start to realize that I'm supposed to break the code for the Siotti gener- the Siotti generations that c- are, are coming up, and I'm supposed to be… I'm supposed… There's a lot I learned from my ancestors, of course, but I think they were car- We all carry the DNA of our ancestors, and we also car- carry that, in that DNA is their trauma, and I feel like

Pete Ciotti: it's my job, my purpose is to stop-

Scott Hammond: Mm

Pete Ciotti: … the negative stuff and start to let the light come in a little bit more and really lead my kids and their kids and s- and all the kids that I see before I pass on-

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm

Pete Ciotti: … to a better spot than, um, than I found it.

Pete Ciotti: And-

Scott Hammond: That's good

Pete Ciotti: … you know, as far as health, uh, you know, no offense to my, my parents or my dad or my grandparents, but there's been a pretty long list of just, like, a little bit of unhealthiness and mindset not as, not as good and not as healthy and, and, and I just wanna be healthier, and I want my kids to be healthier.

Scott Hammond: Yeah.

Pete Ciotti: And I love them, but I want it to go in this direction, and I want to be more, you know, p- more positive for them, so.

Scott Hammond: Break the code, dude.

Pete Ciotti: Positive attitude, important.

Scott Hammond: Yeah.

Pete Ciotti: Then we have consistency. We need to be constant, consistent, and committed to God, family, and being overcomers. Much rides on us. We have no room for whining, weakness, or being given over to failure. We need to have a warrior mentality that truly puts others before ourselves and understands all that is riding on our success. Now, I just wanna play a little bit advocate on this one.

Pete Ciotti: Like-

Scott Hammond: Sure

Pete Ciotti: … I, I, I agree with it a lot, but there's also those dads out there that carry so much and never talk about it. They, we, they just, they smile,

Pete Ciotti: you know-

Scott Hammond: Everything's great

Pete Ciotti: … in the face, in the face of real tough darkness.

Scott Hammond: How you doing? I'm fine. I'm doing fine, Pete.

Pete Ciotti: Right.

Scott Hammond: I'm fine.

Pete Ciotti: They're depressed. Uh, their anxiety is just over-

Scott Hammond: Mm

Pete Ciotti: … overwhelming, but they're not gonna show it. You, you mentioned… And then when they do talk about it, it's sort of taboo for them. Or, like-

Scott Hammond: Mm

Pete Ciotti: … it, you know, somebody says, "Maybe you should see somebody," and they're like, "Oh, I would never do that. Therapy is r- that's just giving up."

Scott Hammond: Counseling? Yeah, no way.

Pete Ciotti: You know, "I, I'm strong," and, like, there's, there's something to be said. There's a duality there because it, obviously you gotta be a warrior. You gotta fight the fight-

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm

Pete Ciotti: … like hell, and that's, that's the job as a dad.

Scott Hammond: That's right.

Pete Ciotti: Your job is to fight like hell for your kids and go through hell with your

Pete Ciotti: kids.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: And by the way, if you ever wanna be in heaven, you're gonna go through hell. That's just how it is for all human beings, but-

Scott Hammond: Yeah, you're on Earth

Pete Ciotti: … yeah, you're gonna know it. You recognize it. You're gonna have to deal with the devil. You're gonna have to deal with uncomfortability. You're gonna have to deal with people that just wanna shit on ev- your, everything you're trying to do.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: Um, and there's physical, the physically people are gonna come after you. You're gonna get beaten down.

Scott Hammond: Mm.

Pete Ciotti: And, and while I think it's great to say be a warrior, and you should be, you also have to recognize that there's a lot of people just carry it and don't-

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm

Pete Ciotti: … say a thing about it.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: And they, they're gonna take it to their graves, and it's really mentally-

Scott Hammond: Mm

Pete Ciotti: … just ruining them as dads.

Scott Hammond: It's sad. It's sad. It's a heartbreak.

Pete Ciotti: I see it all the time, man. They're just depressed.

Scott Hammond: Yeah.

Pete Ciotti: You know, when they're, they're alone, when they're alone time, instead of, like, working on bettering themselves, they're just drinking.

Scott Hammond: Self-soothing.

Pete Ciotti: Or-

Scott Hammond: Yeah

Pete Ciotti: … yeah, doing what they can to, like-

Scott Hammond: Mm

Pete Ciotti: … self-soothe. Yeah, and it's terrible to watch them decline, you know?

Scott Hammond: It's, it's interesting. So you're, you're, you're pointing out the fact that, well, I'm pointing out in my brilliant book that, that the warrior mentality is really key. It's you're a leader. You're a warrior.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: You're, you're, you're the front guy for your family, Pete. You're, you just are. I mean, I'm not even gender valuing anything. It's just-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … it's true And, and many women are the dad and mom too,

Scott Hammond: so all-

Pete Ciotti: Sure

Scott Hammond: … all you, all you gals out there that are amazing dads, you're amazing, and you're leaders, and you're warri- warriors. And, and it's important, um, to b- have that duality, to have that also, that broken, tender side that is able to go, "You know what? I, I have needs here." We just found that in, in my family. Um, I, I have needs, and I'm, and I'm broken, and I, I can't carry on like this for a lot longer.

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm.

Scott Hammond: I don't know what might happen, and there's plenty to happen, porn, drugs, drinking, uh, another person. I mean, uh, men have a lot of choices.

Pete Ciotti: Those things are amplified today more than ever.

Scott Hammond: Oh, my God. And so-

Pete Ciotti: I mean, they're in the, in it, like, so amplified to consumer-

Scott Hammond: You know, come over here. You know, the siren song of, "Try this-

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm

Scott Hammond: … Scotty boy. This is gonna be am- y- you'll feel better."

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And the funny thing is you feel better for a minute.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah. That's dopamine.

Scott Hammond: And that's dopamine. And then, and then you discover, oh, the curtains are pulled back and, and I'm really in hell.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: Uh, some form of hell.

Pete Ciotti: No, it's real.

Scott Hammond: And s- of addiction or of w- or of broken relationships, so I don't wanna go down that road. But I, I think, um, how do we,

Scott Hammond: as friends, encourage each other to go, "How…" L- look you in the eye and go, "How's it really going, bro?"

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm.

Scott Hammond: And how do we get… You know, vulnerability creates intimacy. And if we can't get intimate on-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … on a basic level, not a sexual level, but a, this, the real meaning of intimacy-

Pete Ciotti: I know what you're saying, yeah

Scott Hammond: … how will, how will you ever have your needs met?

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: How could you ever ask for, "You know, I just need, um, some dude time. I wanna go bowling."

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: "I wanna go running. I wanna go, uh, kayaking on Big Lagoon. I wanna go do some-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … I, I just need some time off the ri- the ride." And I have, um, I have a family member who doesn't, he doesn't allow a little bit of that, mountain biking, but it's, it's really hard, um, for, for him to, to give self-permission-

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm

Scott Hammond: … and to ask for what he might need because he's too busy fixing everybody else, and then one day you wake up and you go, "Oh, man, I, I am, um, I'm, I'm harmed."

Pete Ciotti: Yeah. That's tough.

Scott Hammond: You know? By trying to do good, I've harmed myself because I don't wanna bother anybody.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And I, I would say, "Bother anybody, please."

Scott Hammond: Uh-

Pete Ciotti: Right

Scott Hammond: … those of you that are… And some people are just not in touch at all, and it's like-

Pete Ciotti: No

Scott Hammond: … I don't know how to… I mean, if you're not self-aware enough to do the work, I'm not sure. You know, usually it takes some sort of trauma, a death, a health thing-

Pete Ciotti: Unfortunately

Scott Hammond: … a financial crisis-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … a divorce, a something, a cancer.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And it's funny how those things can really kill you, make you better or bitter.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah. Well, that will lead to this too. Um, paradigm transformation. We need to see hardship through new eyes of opportunity for growth.

Scott Hammond: Mm.

Pete Ciotti: Can we see challenges as opportunities for lifelong growth?

Pete Ciotti: And I think, like I said, a lot of people, they'll go through some challenges, and they'll just immediately try to hide or get out of the way or fix, temporarily fix something

Pete Ciotti: quick so-

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm

Pete Ciotti: … they don't have to feel that pain.

Scott Hammond: That's me.

Pete Ciotti: You know what I mean? That's, that's a lot of people.

Scott Hammond: Yeah.

Pete Ciotti: Um, you know, they go through something hard or challenging. They don't have the answer right away because we wanna live in this sort of, like, convenient society where we want a quick fix and-

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm

Pete Ciotti: … you know, then move on to the next one. But challenges aren't always like that. Hardships aren't always like that. They take a lot of time and patience to understand, to heal, and then, uh, and what's really great is the other side of it is growth.

Scott Hammond: Mm.

Pete Ciotti: Like you said, um-

Scott Hammond: Yeah

Pete Ciotti: … they are really… Uh, if you can really change your look on it, your outlook on it to challenges are an opportunity for growth, it's a huge paradigm transformation, like you said. I mean, like,

Pete Ciotti: I, I mean, I'll give you an example. Um, people started saying, "Oh, you should try doing some cold plunging. Cold plunge is a new thing. It's so great."

Scott Hammond: Right.

Pete Ciotti: I did it, and it sucked.

Scott Hammond: It sucks.

Pete Ciotti: It was so horrible, man. I g- I, why would anybody sit in cold water? It's just freezing. It sucks. My whole body wants, is fight or flight. You know, like-

Pete Ciotti: … I was like, "This is dumb." But then I was like, "Well, I do it tomorrow."

Scott Hammond: Yeah.

Pete Ciotti: And I did it again, and I did it again, and then-

Scott Hammond: Embrace the suck

Pete Ciotti: … well, I did a week, and it still sucked every day. But I was like, "You gotta embrace the suck. There's something I'm gonna get out of this."

Scott Hammond: Mm.

Pete Ciotti: And it might not, y- you might not get that something immediately. You know? It might take a second. But now I look back, and that was a year ago that I did a n- you know, a 90-day, every day cold plunge

Pete Ciotti: challenge-

Scott Hammond: Wow

Pete Ciotti: … five minutes in the cold, right? Now I look back and I go, that, that, like, put a, it carved out a toughness groove in my brain.

Scott Hammond: Mm.

Pete Ciotti: 'Cause what it did is it, like, it created a mindset that, like, I can do

Pete Ciotti: hard things.

Scott Hammond: Right.

Pete Ciotti: And then I start, I run, and I go distances I've always thought were talent that would, that would just li- literally, I would-

Scott Hammond: Impossible

Pete Ciotti: … in my mind was like, impossible. You're never gonna run a marathon.

Scott Hammond: Mm.

Pete Ciotti: You're never gonna run an ultra. You're never gonna do this. You're never gonna go out to the Trinity's and run. You're never gonna do all these things. And I did it, and I'm like, "Okay," but that's just a metaphor. Like, what else can I do in my life that I always told myself I couldn't?

Scott Hammond: Mm.

Pete Ciotti: And then I start to create this philosophy that's like, all right, dude, you're three years to 50, 47 years old. Is it… And you have four children, you have amazing wife, and you've had all these experiences and all these moments over the last 40-some years. Is it possible that the best years of your life could still be ahead of you?

Scott Hammond: Sure.

Pete Ciotti: Nah. Couldn't be, right? Because you've done all these amazing things. You've seen all these sunsets, and you've been to all these places, and you've experienced love on the most, like, profound level.

Scott Hammond: Right.

Pete Ciotti: You've, you hit the peak. You hit the mi- mountaintop. You're good. Like-

Scott Hammond: Oh

Pete Ciotti: … everything else is downhill, right? Um, I, I, first I was like, I wanna believe that that's true. I wanna believe that it's true, the best years could be ahead of me.

Scott Hammond: Right.

Pete Ciotti: And then so I started, again, started speaking life into it every day, and I started literally as I was praying or in my meditation every day that I try to do, it became a practice where I started to say It's possible that these best years could be ahead of you. And then I started to see them happen one by one over the la-

Scott Hammond: Hmm.

Pete Ciotti: I look back after the last two years-

Scott Hammond: That's cool

Pete Ciotti: … and when I started this philosophy and I'm like, man, it was pretty incredible. I mean, it's… I don't think it's as incredible as watching my first kid be born, but it was pretty incredible to cross that finish line at my first ultramarathon.

Scott Hammond: Right.

Pete Ciotti: And how I felt and what it did and changed in me and my brain. And I started to see so much more positivity.

Scott Hammond: Hmm.

Pete Ciotti: And, and I, I have something to wake up for every morning. I get up at 5:00 AM. I, I, I get up with not tired or groggy. I get up with, like, purpose-

Scott Hammond: Sweet

Pete Ciotti: … just to move the needle just a little bit more every day, and then watch how that grows over time, even just like a year or two, and you're just like, "Dang, man.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah."

Scott Hammond: Consistency.

Pete Ciotti: "It's true. They were right."

Scott Hammond: You said consistency and show-

Pete Ciotti: Right

Scott Hammond: … showing up.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah, consistency.

Scott Hammond: I, I think it's just being, uh, gritty and dog- dogmatic in the sense of that you're showing up.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And, uh, I love the joy and I, the, I heard gratitude in there.

Pete Ciotti: Big time.

Scott Hammond: Big thankful heart.

Pete Ciotti: Which leads me to this other thing I highlighted in your book, um-

Scott Hammond: Please

Pete Ciotti: … six chapters deep, the need for a balanced life.

Scott Hammond: Hmm.

Pete Ciotti: Right? If you don't think balance in your home and personal life is vitally important to your happiness, success, and health, consider this: There is a considerable evidence showing that mishandled stress, like we talked about, at home interferes with work performance, and mishandled job pressure creates and magnifies problems at home.

Scott Hammond: Hmm.

Pete Ciotti: Research shows that the quality of your personal relationships strongly influences job pro- productivity-

Scott Hammond: Hmm

Pete Ciotti: … disease resistance, and longevity. Conversely, people who value power, prestige, money over family and friendships appear to have a harder time fighting off disease and

Pete Ciotti: sickness.

Scott Hammond: Wow.

Pete Ciotti: That's, that's heavy because there, there is-

Scott Hammond: You wrote, you wrote… Again, I wrote that?

Pete Ciotti: You wrote that.

Scott Hammond: Weird.

Pete Ciotti: And that's in 2011. You look at today in 2025, there's been so many scientific studies that show that, uh, being present with your family, um-

Scott Hammond: Hmm

Pete Ciotti: … valuing your friendships, valuing these things, like you said earlier-

Scott Hammond: Connection

Pete Ciotti: … these are the richnesses of life.

Scott Hammond: Community.

Pete Ciotti: And those things keep you healthy, and those keep you in the long game-

Scott Hammond: Hmm

Pete Ciotti: … or longevity. They, they've done studies in the blue zones, for example, uh, these hundred, these centenarians and supercentenarians, people that are 100 and

Pete Ciotti: over.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: I think you're a supercentenarian if you're over 110, which there are a lot of more 110-year-olds than you'd think today.

Pete Ciotti: Um, what they find is one of the biggest things that leads to the longevity isn't so much what they ate or drank, although there is some evidence of that.

Scott Hammond: Sure. Clearly.

Pete Ciotti: But really, it's about their social connections, their connections with their

Pete Ciotti: family-

Scott Hammond: Yeah

Pete Ciotti: … their c- their constant connections with their friends. Like, they have friend groups that have lasted 50, 60, 70 years.

Scott Hammond: Hmm.

Pete Ciotti: They have their family that's lasted their whole life. They're still connected-

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm

Pete Ciotti: … and they still se- reach for that connection. Not, and I'm not talking about on Facebook or social media or phone.

Scott Hammond: Sure.

Pete Ciotti: I'm talking about o- one-on-one-

Scott Hammond: Community

Pete Ciotti: … visceral stuff, this, this really-

Scott Hammond: Hmm

Pete Ciotti: … stuff that they can hold onto, and there's, the networking

Pete Ciotti: is huge.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: Um, obviously there's exercise that plays a big part of it too, but, like, but they'd even do that with their friends and family always.

Scott Hammond: With friends.

Pete Ciotti: You know? They're always conversing and talking and-

Scott Hammond: Double, double bonus

Pete Ciotti: … just amazing, yeah. And, like, it's so true. Like, it's not about the yachts and the boats and the cars and the houses and the stupid mortgage that never really amounts to any kind of equity really. It's not that system. Th- this is what I say about the broken system.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: Is like maybe a, a new system is forming where-

Scott Hammond: Yeah

Pete Ciotti: … the richnesses of life, right? Where we're, like, we're more concerned with growing a good garden of, of people a- around us that are, um, you know, progressively trying to go to places we wanna go to instead of surrounding ourselves with these toxic, negative people that are trying to keep the rules in place and say-

Scott Hammond: Yeah

Pete Ciotti: … "Oh, you can't go past this point.

Pete Ciotti: You sh-"

Scott Hammond: Or make it about money.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah. "You should always have this job," or, "You should be working harder so you can provide for your family," or, "You should have this crazy mortgage or this crazy car payment-"

Scott Hammond: Ah.

Pete Ciotti: "… 'cause it's the right thing to do," and it's like-

Scott Hammond: Get the Jag like me.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah, man.

Scott Hammond: Yeah.

Pete Ciotti: I mean-

Scott Hammond: Right

Pete Ciotti: … I'll walk.

Scott Hammond: Yeah, do it.

Pete Ciotti: For a while. I'll, I'll eat, I'll, I'll eat the cheaper food or whatever. I'll, like, pay less, I'll use less electricity or I don't know, whatever, but, like, I'd rather the money I make be spent-

Scott Hammond: Yeah

Pete Ciotti: … on real experiences that I can take with me-

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm

Pete Ciotti: … post my death, you know?

Scott Hammond: I have a new word for you.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: Maverick grit.

Pete Ciotti: Maverick grit?

Scott Hammond: Maverick grit. So maverick grit is this: It's being a badass and entrepreneurial and smart and bucking the very thing you're talking about, the system, which is-

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm

Scott Hammond: … could be anything. It could be peer pressure as a dude. It could be, "Well, we, we drink, man. We drink beers."

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: "Well, I don't."

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: "Okay, cool. Hey, well, we, uh, we chase women." "Well, I don't. I have a, I have a wife for life."

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: "She's amazing."

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: Uh, "Well, you know, we're not ever having kids." "Well, I have 17 kids. It's amazing."

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm.

Scott Hammond: So when we buck all that stuff for the right reasons, not arrogantly, but just knowing who we are and who, whose we are is even more important-

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm

Scott Hammond: … as you know,

Scott Hammond: um, I, I, I think it, it's gonna take that maverick spirit, entrepreneurial spirit, to figure it out, to go, "I, I, I'm not gonna go with the flow and be caught in the winds of change and, you know, now it's divisiveness and political and it's weird, and I'm gonna jump into all that and become, you know, way above my pay grade, out of my lane. I can't fix America. You kidding me?"

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: "But I can have a relationship with you. We can be friends. We can impact each other."

Pete Ciotti: So-

Scott Hammond: So I love that community. The other thing is balance. Living a balanced life is kind of a misnomer. I don't want a 50/50 home-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … th- and work thing. I wanna have, when I have to, it could be 90/10 either way. So it's synchronicity is maybe a better word.

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm.

Scott Hammond: 'Cause sometimes I just have to grind at work. "Sorry, hon, I can't talk right now. I'll be home, swear to God, at 5:30, but right now it's go time." My brother-in-law, Scott, multi- multi-wealthy, great guy, loves God, and has done very well, he, he goes, "Don't call me at work." I go, "Scott, hey, what's up?" "Hey, l- listen, I love you brother. Never call me at work. I get all my… I get it all done here. It's my go time. It's my focus time."

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And I r- and I never call him at work ever.

Pete Ciotti: He's on a schedule, yeah.

Scott Hammond: Also a tri- triathlete. He's the Western 100, uh, finisher.

Pete Ciotti: Oh, yeah, the one we were ta- okay.

Scott Hammond: Yeah, he's a hardcore-

Pete Ciotti: Nice

Scott Hammond: … trainer.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah, yeah.

Scott Hammond: And so, "Never call me when I'm training."

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: Um, so he never said that. So yeah, I th- I think of that, and I think of that grit that it's gonna take to be maverical and marvelous and the standalone, um, for our family.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And to prioritize in that way, and it's, you know, it's not just a schedule. It's, it's a, like you said, a mindset.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah. And it's a lifetime process. You'll never get it 100% right. But, like, that's the beauty of it all.

Scott Hammond: Mm.

Pete Ciotti: It's like it's, it's all gonna be…

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: It's a very creative process. It's a lot of trial and error.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: The biggest thing is I, I always wanna s- say is just don't

Pete Ciotti: quit when it gets hard. Um, you know?

Scott Hammond: Right.

Pete Ciotti: If you fail, that's okay. The failure's not quitting. Failure is just like-

Scott Hammond: That's right

Pete Ciotti: … that's a lesson. Okay, you failed at something? Let's look at it. Let's analyze it. Well, how did, why did you, why do you think you failed? And how do you think you coulda done it differently and had success?

Scott Hammond: And not get fear, shame, and guilt around your failure.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: The three killers.

Pete Ciotti: Right, killers.

Scott Hammond: Fear, shame, and guilt are gonna kill you when you fail.

Pete Ciotti: And recognize that those things aren't coming from you.

Scott Hammond: No.

Pete Ciotti: They're coming from external sources that-

Scott Hammond: Correct

Pete Ciotti: … you're listening to.

Scott Hammond: Correct.

Pete Ciotti: You need to turn that noise off.

Scott Hammond: Right.

Pete Ciotti: Because so many times we're letting people dictate how our life's gonna go.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: Based on maybe we think they had a sh- shred of success, or they did it right or, or whatever. They have some kind of influence that we've allowed to have on them.

Pete Ciotti: And-

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm

Pete Ciotti: … good or bad, that c- that can be a good thing to have, let people have some influence on you now and again. But, like, know that they do. Don't just make it automatic because then when they start telling you things that you, that are negative-

Scott Hammond: Mm

Pete Ciotti: … to your belief system-

Scott Hammond: Challenge them

Pete Ciotti: … or just not, or, or yeah, or it's okay to challenge it, but, like, when they're really, like, pumping negativity in you over and over again, it's time to get new friends, people.

Scott Hammond: There's that.

Pete Ciotti: It's time to just be like, "You know, man, you've been my friend for 20 years, and I love you, but I can't see you every day. And I can't be on the phone with you every day. And I can't hang out with you."

Scott Hammond: Wait.

Pete Ciotti: "I wish you well, but you gotta work."

Scott Hammond: That mean, does that mean I have to turn off CNN and Fox News-

Pete Ciotti: Correct

Scott Hammond: … and not be a Fox News Christian?

Pete Ciotti: Thank you for saying that.

Scott Hammond: I, I mean, I, there's other friends-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … friends-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … that are not my friends. And, and I'm def-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … my worldview gets defined-

Pete Ciotti: Right

Scott Hammond: … by these a- sorry, a-holes.

Pete Ciotti: Dude, I mean-

Scott Hammond: They're not, they're not worthy of… H- How do you define this for me? How… First of all, how dare you?

Scott Hammond: Quick-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … quick thought. There's a sermon on the mount. Jesus had two things he really was talking against.

Scott Hammond: One is, um, the, the desire for wealth. "I'm gonna, I'm gonna make money. I'm gonna be entrepreneurial. I'm gonna get all this stuff, man. I'm gonna herd the cats."

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm.

Scott Hammond: 401 , real estate, my portfolio.

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm.

Scott Hammond: It's good to very good, whatever. And he's going, "That's, first of all, that's not it. You gotta, you gotta have treasure in heaven."

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm.

Scott Hammond: Which is relationships. That's the only thing you're gonna take. There's no U-Haul-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah, I'm saying

Scott Hammond: … at the, at the cemetery. You can't take your shit-

Pete Ciotti: Nope

Scott Hammond: … with you.

Pete Ciotti: Nope.

Scott Hammond: My gold, my gold bull- no. Uh, gold's just gravel in

Scott Hammond: heaven.

Pete Ciotti: Well, not only that, and people think that I'm leaving my legacy, I'm leaving this. Like, listen, the car you drive, the house you live in-

Scott Hammond: It's gonna burn

Pete Ciotti: … it's all gonna be dust in 100, 200 years. Even the memory of you in 10,000 years might be gone. You know? You might not even make history, so y- you're just… Did you even exist at all?

Scott Hammond: I don't know. It's hard to-

Pete Ciotti: Who knows?

Scott Hammond: Yeah. Love-

Pete Ciotti: So it's like, yeah, I mean, live for the moment and enjoy it, and, you know, grind it out for the sake that the treasures you do get to take-

Scott Hammond: Mm

Pete Ciotti: … to heaven are these beautiful moments that you had in this short, short life and how important they are. So I, when I make money or I have some extra money, I'm gonna throw it at, like, a cool vacation with my kids where we can-

Scott Hammond: Cool

Pete Ciotti: … go have an experience. And I could take, I could tell you I've only been on a few that I could afford, but the ones I've been on were

Pete Ciotti: memorable.

Scott Hammond: That's cool.

Pete Ciotti: I mean, I took my kids to Chile. We saw the, um, eclipse-

Scott Hammond: Wow

Pete Ciotti: … in the La Serena desert.

Scott Hammond: Wow.

Pete Ciotti: And it was July, so it was winter there, and it was summer here. And I remember being on the mountainside with my two boys, who speak Spanish, and we're talking to another Spanish fam- another fam who spoke Spanish down there in Chile and just, like, watching this event happen in the span of, like, 20 minutes, where it just 4:00,

Pete Ciotti: sunny day-

Scott Hammond: Beautiful

Pete Ciotti: … all of a sudden gets completely pitch dark and-

Scott Hammond: Wow

Pete Ciotti: … then comes back to life.

Scott Hammond: You are a wealthy man.

Pete Ciotti: And yeah.

Scott Hammond: Yeah.

Pete Ciotti: I mean, uh, those memories will never go away. I mean, I don't-

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm

Pete Ciotti: … I hope not. And, um-

Scott Hammond: The other-

Pete Ciotti: And, and if they go away from me, you know, for whatever reason, they'll be there

Pete Ciotti: with them.

Scott Hammond: Yeah.

Pete Ciotti: And-

Scott Hammond: The other caution in the Sermon on the Mount is power.

Pete Ciotti: Mm.

Scott Hammond: I'm gonna be… You know, m- money's not my thing. I don- I can have some money. That's fine. But I'm a real, I'm a real, I want fame, and I want some recognition, and I have a big ego, and I'm gonna lay a trip on you, and I'm gonna be that guy for other people. And it's like that's probab- he, he spoke against that. That's really problematic, that you wanna be the heavy or the guy, or the controller.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And it's like, now there's an interesting form of lust.

Pete Ciotti: Right.

Scott Hammond: That is like, oh, and, you know, we didn't even talk about sexual lust, and we don't need to go there. I think that's all self-evident. That's somebody's daughter. That's somebody's mom.

Pete Ciotti: Yes.

Scott Hammond: That's somebody's sister, and that's God's girl.

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm.

Scott Hammond: And you're gonna lust? What, what's wrong with you?

Pete Ciotti: Right.

Scott Hammond: Go get, go get married, dude.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: Figure something out with that energy.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: Go for a long, go for the

Pete Ciotti: Totally

Scott Hammond: … go burn that off.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: So-

Pete Ciotti: Please

Scott Hammond: … so I, I just wanna address the power thing 'cause I think it's really key to-

Pete Ciotti: Mm

Scott Hammond: … um, it's a lot more subtle, too, 'cause you might not know that I'm in control 'cause I'm asking questions all the time. "How you doing, Pete?" "Good." "Hey, what about…" And I, and it's, like, a power dynamic that we… I think that's a real blind one that people don't see.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: That people are just like, "I'm gonna stay in control of the money or of the person or of the marriage or of the kid." And as soon as that kid breaks loose and goes to Humboldt, he's smoking all the weed he can find.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: He's drinking. He's hanging out with all the chicks he can possi- and it's like- They blow out the, they blow out the doors. And, and it's like… And I'm not saying that we be permissive and, "Hey, let's smoke weed," when you're 11 with your dad.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And we're not doing that. But the bottom line is, um, I think the, the control freaks in our lives have hurt us.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And it hurts us because we become, we've become them is what

Scott Hammond: Pogo-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … Pogo used to say. Pogo's a car- a cartoon strip.

Pete Ciotti: Oh, okay.

Scott Hammond: We become them.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah. Right. It's crazy, yeah, to think about it, yeah, we, how we kinda morph into our parents and, you know.

Scott Hammond: It's DNA.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah, like that. But, like, you know, and for all the, all the different reasons. But yeah, um, well, finally I wanted to just touch on a couple things. Um,

Pete Ciotti: you know, years of being, you know, 27, or the book says 27 years, it's more than that now, of being a father.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: And wa- and now a grandfather, too.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm. 11 kids.

Pete Ciotti: Lot- 11, yeah. There's a lot of kids out there. Um, um, you've watched your kids become adults and, um, you know, we had, we had talked, and I know this is kinda personal for you but, you know, you had some estrangement with one of your kids.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: And, um, we were talking at church a few months ago how you were gonna reach out, and you did. And-

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm

Pete Ciotti: … you healed the situation. And I want you to just tell us about-

Scott Hammond: Yeah

Pete Ciotti: … how that all went.

Scott Hammond: I'd, I'd reframe it as a participation in, in healing. Uh, we were called by them to come and visit and sit and, and talk and mediate for, uh, four hours of gloriously hard work.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah. Really hard.

Scott Hammond: Like you said, like sometimes hard stuff results in beautiful fruit. And-

Pete Ciotti: Sure does

Scott Hammond: … and glorious stuff. And, and in this case it did.

Scott Hammond: And, um, you know, um, estrangement's a funny thing when, when we ghost people.

Scott Hammond: Um-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … 'cause it's, um, it- it's hard. It's hard on everybody.

Scott Hammond: And, um, that's not who we are. And I, I, I was confident in my prayer life this wasn't gonna go forever. And, uh, I was reduced to not calling and bugging and cajoling. I was re- reduced to just one thing, and that was my faith in God and asking God, "Hey, these are your kids, and we're all broken. When can we, when can we possibly put this back together?" And we did. And it, it, and the, the story is still ongoing, but we're, uh, talking. We, we got to hang out afterward. It was, it was really-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … restorative. And it came from empathy and brokenness and hearing one another and tears.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And going, you know, uh… And it drew something out of me. I'm not a big crying guy, which is-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … kinda sad for me really.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: It's like… But I, but I wanna be willing to do that, so I, I, um, um… It, it took me to, to sit long enough and slow down my ADD. Look, a squirrel.

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm.

Scott Hammond: And a red balloon. To really cool down and be present and show up-

Pete Ciotti: Mm

Scott Hammond: … and listen with empathy, and, and not with judgment and not with fixing the… I'm Dad, the fix-it man.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: No. Make s- have him wait in the car. 'Cause right now you just want Dad the guy to show up to go, "Oh, my God, that sucks. You… That's… Oh, I can't even imagine how much that sucked for you," and to be present. And, and I think, uh, the, the pastor yesterday, the disaster pastor-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … when they go to, to New Orleans after a hurricane, people just… Or after the Texas flood, this, the sad thing, um, they, people just wanna tell their story and be heard.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: And I think that's a dad thing. And, and that would be a dad, uh, g- a good conclusive, conclusive, uh, practice to be… I think some of us have answers. We just wanna be heard-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … and affirmed and go, "You know what? I'm with you, bro. I'm with you, buddy. I think Ciara's gonna be amazing for you."

Pete Ciotti: Right.

Scott Hammond: "You're gonna be an amazing student. I'm with you. I know it's gonna be hard. There's some weirdos there, and I- you have some fears, and we'll talk about

Scott Hammond: those."

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: "But I'm, I am with you. I'm gonna support you." And then that, that showing up for people, "How c- how can I help?"

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: "Nick, how can I help and support you? How can I be a blessing to N- Nick?"

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: To you, to Joni, and, you know-

Pete Ciotti: Right

Scott Hammond: … to, to those divine appointments that I'll have today with people to go, "How can I slow down and get out of my head and get into your life and go, 'Wow, you went to Disneyland.

Scott Hammond: That is so-"

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: "… cool, man. You went to Disneyland.'" Or, "Hey, you're broken, and your kid's a, a broken chi- oh, m- oh, no. Really?" And to… And not, not disingenuously, but to l- authentically have the words and the p- and know the power of your words when spoken with authenticity and

Scott Hammond: genuineness can powerfully change people.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: You know? Um, I think you're doing a great podcast, a great service.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: I like the grit thing.

Pete Ciotti: Thanks.

Scott Hammond: I like maverick grit.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah, that's a good one.

Scott Hammond: I'm gonna use that one.

Pete Ciotti: You gotta soundbite that one, Nick. Um, well, to close I think a lot of what you just said takes a strong amount of humility, and it's harder to find humility as you get older 'cause you get stuck in your ways and this and that.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: But, uh, humility is everything.

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm.

Pete Ciotti: And just always being open-

Scott Hammond: Teachable

Pete Ciotti: … to new learning and being teachable-

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm

Pete Ciotti: … you know, at any age. Um, and, like I said, the best years could be in front of you because you're hu- you're, you're human, and you, um, you can be humble.

Scott Hammond: Yeah.

Pete Ciotti: And, and I'll tell you what. If you're not ready to, to practice humility as a person, and you're stuck there, and you have these relationships that have gone bad or whatever, broken, and you don't think you can find humility, don't worry. Just wait a minute. Because humbleness will just come to you in, in a life experience.

Scott Hammond: Oh, yeah.

Pete Ciotti: You will be humbled by something in your life-

Scott Hammond: Yeah

Pete Ciotti: … when you least expect it sometimes.

Scott Hammond: And then too-

Pete Ciotti: You'll be going along going, "I know everything. I'm Mr. Confident. I got it all figured out." Bam.

Scott Hammond: Yeah.

Pete Ciotti: Humbleness will hit you like a ton of bricks.

Scott Hammond: And nobody likes Mr. Confident.

Scott Hammond: They w-

Pete Ciotti: And-

Scott Hammond: I wanna know a guy that's broken, that has all the scars-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah, exactly

Scott Hammond: … and the T-shirt-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … and he actually came, he or she came through that-

Pete Ciotti: Yes

Scott Hammond: … and is a whole person. And y- and you know when you're with a whole person 'cause there's a different spirit to it. There's just somebody that's going-

Pete Ciotti: Sure

Scott Hammond: … "I l- I don't know what it is about this person, but they're, they're amazing. It's something in me is attracted to who, who they are and who they've become." And I really, I think I really like what you just said, and I think that, that humility Take a, take a deep breath. Chill out, bro. And there's a lot of words like surrender, and

Scott Hammond: abandon-

Pete Ciotti: Mm-hmm

Scott Hammond: … and let it go-

Pete Ciotti: Let it go

Scott Hammond: … and get out of the control business. Stay in your lane. There's a lot of ways to say that.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: But to put that into practice is where you really need, you really need the coach approach.

Pete Ciotti: Yep.

Scott Hammond: And you need, uh, the spirit of God in you to enact that change. 'Cause I can fake it real good. Couple weeks, Pete, I look great. I can run. I, I'm ama-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah, yeah

Scott Hammond: … and then, and then, you know, I'm a good starter, and I don't wanna be a good starter anymore. I've started a lot of things. I wanna finish strong. Back to the consistency, uh, endurance, steadfastness, um, and maybe it's just a little bit every day. And, and maybe-

Pete Ciotti: Oh, yeah

Scott Hammond: … I trip on my shoelaces, my hook is crap, and I, I fell and I skinned, and I get up again, learn the lesson, tie your shoe twice.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah.

Scott Hammond: Double knot, and keep going. And I think that, that might be the beginning of some success.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah. It might be.

Scott Hammond: Or, or wholeness. I don't know about success anymore-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … what that means.

Pete Ciotti: It's worth giving it a shot. Um, man, I really appreciate your time today.

Pete Ciotti: That's, uh-

Scott Hammond: Thank you

Pete Ciotti: … so enlightening. I feel like this is, this should just be, like, part one of maybe a five-part series on-

Scott Hammond: Ah

Pete Ciotti: … fatherhood and, uh, there's so much more I didn't get to, uh, highlight it in the book that we'll have to get to. But, uh, once I finish the book, I'm gonna have you back on again-

Scott Hammond: Sweet

Pete Ciotti: … for part two.

Scott Hammond: Happy.

Pete Ciotti: Um, 'cause I wanna talk about goals. That's, that's where I'm at on the book right now.

Scott Hammond: Good.

Pete Ciotti: Purpose of goals. We'll, we'll hit that next time, but appreciate your time.

Scott Hammond: Thank you. Appreciate you, man.

Pete Ciotti: Thanks for coming through, buddy. And I know you're going on a little retreat for a little while for-

Scott Hammond: Yep. Gonna go over the pond and see my son in Amsterdam and-

Pete Ciotti: Yeah

Scott Hammond: … grand- granddaughters who are magical.

Pete Ciotti: So awesome.

Scott Hammond: Should be fun.

Pete Ciotti: That's gonna be a, a, a really nice trip.

Scott Hammond: Yeah, just gonna discover that. Maybe the best is ahead.

Pete Ciotti: I think it is, man. I really think it is. I'm gonna leave it on that note. The best years of our life are ahead of us, no matter what age.

Scott Hammond: Amen to that.

Pete Ciotti: 60, 70, they're still ahead of you.

Scott Hammond: Amen brother.

Pete Ciotti: I see a lot of happy 75-year-olds.

Scott Hammond: Oh.

Pete Ciotti: I see f- I saw an 80-year-old just… The, you know, the oldest person j- just to finish here, the oldest person to finish, uh, Western States… Or I'm sorry, not Western States, Badwater. Badwater 135 is, like, a gnarly ultramarathon through Death

Pete Ciotti: Valley.

Scott Hammond: Whoa.

Pete Ciotti: Like, crazy. And it goes from below sea level up to through Mount Whitney, which is-

Scott Hammond: Goes up to Whitney?

Pete Ciotti: … 7,000 feet and down.

Scott Hammond: Crazy.

Pete Ciotti: It's crazy. 45 hours. This guy's 80 years old. His name is Bob Becker. You can look him up.

Pete Ciotti: Um-

Scott Hammond: He fin- he finished it.

Pete Ciotti: He finished it. 80. Oldest, oldest to ever finish that mar- ultramarathon.

Scott Hammond: Maverick grit.

Pete Ciotti: I mean-

Scott Hammond: Old maverick grit

Pete Ciotti: … best years of his life were ahead of him.

Scott Hammond: He-

Pete Ciotti: Still probably are

Scott Hammond: … he finished.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah, so.

Scott Hammond: Let's finish strong, man.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah. Thank you all for checking out "The GRIT Podcast" and, um, really appreciate you all for tuning in. My guest today was Scott Hammond. Um, Scott, you can get this book, right? Still on Amazon maybe?

Scott Hammond: You m- I think you can get a Kindle version of it.

Pete Ciotti: A Kindle version. I think they-

Scott Hammond: They're very rare now. They're just a rare… They're 600 bucks each.

Pete Ciotti: The copies?

Scott Hammond: Yeah.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah, yeah. Go, go get the version. Maybe there's an audiobook version maybe?

Scott Hammond: I think there's a video only.

Pete Ciotti: You should do the audiobook of this.

Scott Hammond: I think you're right.

Pete Ciotti: Your voice would be perfect for it.

Scott Hammond: I think AI could help me do that.

Pete Ciotti: Yeah, you should do it.

Scott Hammond: Yeah.

Pete Ciotti: Um, like a re- and do, like, a rebridged or a revision-

Scott Hammond: Yeah

Pete Ciotti: … version, but-

Scott Hammond: I'm gonna do it

Pete Ciotti: … "Everyday Dad: The Guide to Becoming a Better Father" by Scott Hammond. Go Google it, look it up, and find it. Um, I was lucky enough to get my own physical copy from the man himself, also

Pete Ciotti: signed.

Scott Hammond: Yes.

Pete Ciotti: Me and my wife there. Pretty awesome. Um, but yeah, go check it out and, you know, like, just keep being you, and get out there and, you know, if you're a father, you know, spend time. Stop what you're doing right now and go play catch with your kids or-

Scott Hammond: Mm-hmm

Pete Ciotti: … just go hang out with them and, you know, be in the real world with your children, you know? And, uh, hopefully you can raise some good humans. Thanks for tuning in. We'll talk to you next time.

Pete Ciotti: Peace.